01.27.07
What to Say When Your Child Asks About Death
To everything there is a season; a time to be born and a time to die. As sad as death is, we have come to realize it as a part of life. What to say when your child asks about death will be dependent upon age and maturity level. What you tell a three year old will be different than talking to a nine year old.
You could tell your preschooler that “Grandpa was very sick. The doctor’s did all they could to help him feel better, but he died. Now he’s in Heaven.” Often at that age you may get a response such as “Oh. Okay” and then she will go back to playing with her baby doll. Or you may get asked “what does died mean?”
Do not use the words “sleeping” or “passed on.” Children do not under stand passed on; and if you use sleeping, they may be afraid they won’t wake up from their nap. It’s okay to say someone died.
Older children may have a much harder time accepting and understanding deaths. If they ask about the death of someone they knew, they may question why it happened or proclaim it’s not fair. Some may blame God. They may be so overcome with grief that they don’t know how to handle that emotion. They will likely experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually acceptance.
If your child just has more general questions, not necessarily as a result of death of someone close to them, the most important thing you can tell her is the truth. Reinforce that all living things die. Remind her of plants and insects, or pets.
Encourage your child not to focus on the why. We don’t always have answers why someone gets a terminal disease or was killed by a drunk driver or involved in an accident. Reinforce the feelings everyone experiences (the five stages of grief). Promote celebrating life, not centering on the death.
Thank your child to coming to you with questions. That is the kind of communication all parent hope to foster.
