The Stepmom's Sideroom

by Karon Goodman

When I was a little girl, I loved my grandmother's house. It was big and old, with a glider on the front porch and a spooky hall closet that made a great hiding place. But one of my favorite places was the sideroom, the funny, little room connected to the back porch that seemed almost like an afterthought -- not quite house, not quite porch. It was a place of endless fascination for me. I never knew what I'd find there, squirreled away by my grandmother among the fruit jars and flower pots. It was a unique place.

I often think of the stepmom part of me as sort of like my grandmother's sideroom -- a bit unsure of itself, not quite certain of its place, yet full of surprises and hidden potential.

When you become a stepmom, there is something inherently familiar yet completely foreign in your life. It's as if an extra, ambiguous limb is added to your body -- and it's yours alone to manage and understand. 

Perhaps one of the most common feelings among stepmoms is insecurity, because being a stepmom is a role you never expect yourself to play. There is no way to prepare. The pressure to succeed is enormous, yet the guidelines are non-existent. It's an almost impossible job. 

The insecurity you feel stems from that sense of confusion and uncertainty. You're a mother, sort of, but not quite. You're a wife, but not the first. You have new in-laws who have been in-laws before. Your life is permanently altered by children you didn't give birth to, and who may already have all the adults in their lives that they need. Your sideroom becomes a bit crowded! 

But don't worry, the insecurity is normal. Don't be alarmed by its severity because you can fight it with just one thing: patience.

Being a happy stepmom is not an elusive goal, but it's not an instant one, either. Be generous with your patience, especially for yourself. One tiny step each day is enough. One lesson learned, no matter how long it takes, is one step closer to your goal. You can't hurry this part of your life. It feels as if you're lost in the dark in a place you've never been -- you can only feel your way, a little at a time, and learn as you go. 

Some days you'll be amazed at the ground you'll cover. On other days, you'll want only to hide and let the unseen terrors win. But like the tiny sliver of light that sometimes finds its way into the darkness, now and then you'll get a glimpse of what being a happy stepmom means. You'll hold, if only for a moment, the sweet rewards of your efforts. It's worth the wait. So take your time. Have patience. The insecurity will give way to peace and growth.

No two stepparenting experiences are the same, yet they are all alike in many ways. We all have our siderooms, and we furnish them the best we can. That's what we'll be working on here in " The Stepmom's Sideroom": nurturing ourselves in this unique, unexpected role. Please join us.

Email stepmom@karongoodman.com for the link to "The Stepmom's Sideroom and Other Favorite Stories" by Karon Goodman.
Karon Goodman is a writer and mother who publishes an email newsletter for brave, overwhelmed stepmoms. Vist Karon's new site for stepmoms: http://karongoodman.com for all your stepmothering needs.