Our New Addition

by Linda M. Sharp

Perhaps it was "in the water." Maybe "love was in the air." It could have even been my "clock ticking." We had talked about it for quite a while, making sure to include our daughters in the discussions. How would it affect everyone? Did our home have space? Would they help me? I must admit, knowing that the decision was ultimately mine, I procrastinated in making it. I knew I had the support of my family, but was I ready to undergo another major life change?

So many friends, neighbors, even my husband's secretary had been showing off their new offspring. It was while cooing over a dear friend's infant girl, and feeling said infant fill her diaper, that I came to the conclusion that I too, was finally ready for a new addition to our family.

We went out the very next day and bought a hamster.

The decision to add a pet to the household should never be taken lightly. Much like adding a baby to the mix, your life is suddenly being run by something much smaller than yourself. So frightened by the prospect of having to potty train yet another set of uneducated sphincters, my parents were adamantly opposed to any pet that could not live in water and be buried with a quick flush and a eulogy delivered by Mr. Tidy Bowl. Believe me, we begged, we pleaded, we promised to feed, walk, clean a puppy, kitten, moose. (Knowing the answer was always "NO," we could have asked for a moose. What difference would it have made?)

However, during the summer of my junior year in high school, my parents temporarily lost their minds. My younger brothers brought home an "abandoned" duckling with a broken foot. Not only did my mother take it to the vet, she bought it special duck feed and allowed it to swim in the bathtub. My brothers, knowing they were experiencing something rare - much like a total solar eclipse - brought home another "lost" duckling. The only thing being eclipsed was my parents' mental state. Even my father allowed these two wild ducks to roam freely through the house, sit on his bed and let their poop fall where it may. (Believe me, you have never lived until you stumble half asleep to the kitchen at night only to be rudely awakened when your toes connect with cold duck poop in shag carpet.)

The ducks finally grew up, and my mother bid them a teary farewell at a neighboring lake. Obviously having watched too many episodes of Wild Kingdom, she "tagged" them for identification by placing a Hefty bag tie around one of their ankles. "Marlon Perkins" bid them adieu and headed back to the safety of the "safari" wagon driven by my father who, incidentally and appropriately, is named Jim. Try as we might, we never could find those ducks again. I suspect they were there among the other waterfowl, but had made it a high priority to pick off the garbage tie as soon as possible.

Perhaps it was that experience (and the many nights spent cleaning between my toes) that made me shy away from wanting a full-fledged house pet just yet. A puppy or kitten would require much time and attention, and I am not so stupid as to believe my children would help for long. My middle daughter swears she would not complain about cleaning up after a dog. Yeah, right. This is a child who develops rickets and launches into a "Woe Is Me" operetta when asked to pick up her shoes. I can just imagine her delight when handed a shovel and pail and directed to the backyard for scooping duty. 

So far, the hamster has been a good set of training wheels for my family. She, yes she (my husband remains woefully outnumbered), is fairly undemanding. My children assist with cage cleaning duty, refilling the food bowls, and they enjoy holding her for brief periods. When Nugget (so named for her frequent offerings) is placed in her ball and is free to roam the house, they are fastidious about closing the door to the stairs leading to the basement. (In fact, it was my fault the two times it was not closed and Nugget got the ride of her life down 22 stairs!) They are learning respect for a pet and the responsibilities that come with one.

I'm sure the day will come when I am ready to once again expand our family. I'll feel waves of love wash over me at the thought of getting up at night to comfort and feed a tiny one. I'll even be ready to tolerate the endless "accidents" before full "potty training" is achieved. Until that day, I shall commune with my hamster, safely ensconced in her cage, and reminisce on the joys of "flossing between my toes." Quack.

Copyright 2000 by Linda M. Sharp. Reprinted with permission. 
Linda Sharp is an internationally published humorist who writes regularly on the joyous and frustrating world of parenting. Her work appears across the Internet and wraps around the globe in parenting publications from Canada to Malaysia.
Linda is co-creator of the award winning website, Sanity Central — A Time Out From Parenting! Located at http://www.sanitycentral.com, it is totally irreverent, hysterical and packed with enough laughs to brighten even the weariest of parents! As a mother of three children (four if you count her husband), she firmly believes that laughter IS the best medicine. She may be reached via email at lsharp03@aol.com.