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Mommy Always Comes Last, Until Pain is Involved, That is...
by Linda Sharp
I am often told by friends who read my articles that while they always
laugh, they are more impressed with how unashamedly I expose what goes
on inside my house. They say it makes their lives feel a little more
normal, they feel less alone in the everyday parenting struggles, and
they always come away feeling a bit less stupid about what goes on
inside their homes. It is in that vein that I once again, am here to
bare to you what is the idiocy of my soul.
Several months back, I was happily indulging in my favorite sweet treat,
a handful of mini Tootsie Rolls. Chomping away, enjoying every chewy,
chocolatey, decadent bite, I suddenly felt something go crunch. CRUNCH?
In a Tootsie Roll? Now, being the curious soul that I am (also being
alone at the time), I spit the offensive 'wad of goo' into a napkin and
began a quite forensic examination. My autopsy instruments were a spoon
(for spreading) and a fork (for deeper poking). As I probed and prodded,
every news account I had ever read about people finding glass, rat tails
and the occasional petrified cockroach in their food, flashed through my
mind. UGH, I thought, please let it be glass.
Further examination revealed a small white fragment, which looked
suspiciously familiar. One open mouthed look in the mirror (you should
REALLY brush your teeth after eating Toostie Rolls) and I found its
origin. A piece of a molar had broken off from the filling it had once
bordered. Hmmmmm, I thought, not good. At that moment, the kids came
rushing in the door from school, and being painfree, the broken tooth
was promptly pushed off the priority burner in favor of school tales,
gymnastics practice and homework.
What is it about parents, especially mothers? We always place our needs
and wants at the bottom of the totem pole. Heck, I think mine are
actually under the dirt in which the totem pole is buried. Is your
underwear best described as "religious" (hole-y)? Say a Novena and wear
it some more because Johnny needs a new soccer uniform. That new
best-selling mystery novel is now available in paperback? Read your
three month old issue of Good Housekeeping again, and make Johnny's
check payable to Scholastic Book Orders. And how many times have you
found yourself staring up at yet another Disney epic when your heart
cries out to be one theater over watching the new Mel Gibson romance
movie? It seems that when we give birth, not only do we push out a human
being, we push out all selfish impulses too.
So it goes that three months have passed since the Toostie Roll went
CRUNCH. Along the way, painfree went to occasional OUCH. Occasional OUCH
transformed into my chewing on only one side of my mouth. And now single
sided chewing has given way to THROBBING, STABBING, CONSTANT, IBUPROFEN
POPPING PAIN. Or as my three year old succinctly put it, "You have a
major owie, Mommy." Well, to borrow another of her pithy comments,
"Duh."
So here I sit, phone book before me, ready to beg, plead, barter, and
cry my way into the first available dental appointment. (Pain hath no
dignity. The Book of Moms, 3:16). Being new to yet another town, I am
using my time tested, highly scientific approach to finding a new
doctor: I systematically go through the hundreds of names and look for
one that sounds nice. Dr. Harry Hangnail? Not in my mouth, thank you.
Ima Poker, DDS? I think not. Dr. Sally Warm-Fuzzy? Hello, I'd like to
see the doctor as soon as possible, please. What? Nothing available
until next Wednesday? (Tears) But, it . . . hurts . . . (sob) . . .
sooooooo . . . WAHHHHH . . . baddddddd. Pleeeeeeeaaaaseee??? (heavy
moan) What? She can see me at 3pm this afternoon? God bless you!
So, have we all learned a lesson at my expense? Probably not. Your
underwear will continue to disintegrate into underwear molecules, you
will continue to read the Halloween issue of Better Homes & Gardens as
summer heats up around you, and I full well expect to bump into you this
weekend as we all buy tickets for Chicken Run and Rocky & Bullwinkle.
(Hey, if you buy the popcorn, I'll bring the Toostie Rolls.)
Copyright 2000 by Linda M. Sharp. Reprinted with permission.
Linda Sharp is an internationally published humorist who writes
regularly on the joyous and frustrating world of parenting. Her work
appears across the Internet and wraps around the globe in parenting
publications from Canada to Malaysia.
Linda is co-creator of the award winning website,
Sanity Central —
A Time Out From Parenting! Located at http://www.sanitycentral.com, it
is totally irreverent, hysterical and packed with enough laughs to
brighten even the weariest of parents! As a mother of three children
(four if you count her husband), she firmly believes that laughter IS
the best medicine. She may be reached via email at
lsharp03@aol.com.
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