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Marriage Makeover
by
Linda M. Sharp
We recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. While that may not
have meant much fifty years ago, it is a milestone by today’s
matrimonial longevity standards. More impressive is that at dinner that
night, we were asked if we were newlyweds.
But what is most noteworthy, is that while we never heard that question
when we were newlyweds, it is one we are asked repeatedly, over a decade
into our marriage.
Thirteen years after meeting one another, and eleven years after
promising to put up with each other’s moods, mania and morning breath,
it is both terribly flattering and intensely satisfying to be mistaken
for two people who are just starting out in the "Love Stakes." Is it by
virtue of magic?, a fairytale?, simple kismet? No, no and no.
While there is certainly no discounting the importance of compatibility,
it takes much more than having the same favorite color for a marriage to
stay truly alive and vital. Unfortunately, too many people have bought
into the "hearts & flowers" version of married life and parenthood, and
they are wholly unprepared for what actually happens. Think about it.
You say "I do", embark on a wonderful life together, and then somewhere
along the way, something comes between you. Something that, while
beautiful and miraculous, is equally stressful and potentially
destructive: children. How is it that something you both wanted can
wreak such havoc?
No longer the center of each other’s world, you find all your energies
focused on caring for a helpless infant. Any free time you may have is
still spent in bed — but asleep. You stop communicating, rifts develop,
feelings are hurt and ignored. And often, just as you may see some light
at the end of the tunnel, another rabbit dies, and you begin the cycle
all over again. Suddenly you realize that while you still love your
spouse, you no longer feel in love. This is all too common and also when
too many people give up. I know from where I speak, for it is a road
Rudy and I traveled, a road that eventually led us to what we considered
our last resort: a marriage counselor.
Long story short, the counselor experience was far less beneficial than
we had hoped and we quickly realized that the only answers to our
problems lie within us. If it was going to change, we had to change it.
So to be mistaken for newlyweds these days is the miracle. And I am here
to give you the inside scoop to performing this makeover in your own
marriages.
Be warned: Those of you familiar with my writing know that I tend to be
pretty straightforward. This time, how about "blunt as a spoon"? And
these all apply to BOTH husband & wife unless otherwise indicated.
Open Your Mouth: Talk. Not about the kids, work, or the thirty dirty
diapers you changed. Talk about your marriage, each other. You will be
very surprised to find out that your mate has almost identical fears and
concerns for the marriage and what is missing as do you. You both want
to feel special, appreciated, needed, attractive. The first step is
saying what you need out loud and committing to making it better. And
remember, no one respects a doormat, which is why we wipe our feet on
them.
Helping Hands: Listen up, because this is a HUGE issue. If your
wife/husband stays home with the children, that does not mean she/he is
the family servant. Clean up without being asked. Offer to bathe the
children. Help with homework, housework, PTA, laundry, whatever you see
that needs done. Your paycheck does not acquit you from household
duties. Besides, if you had to pay someone to do all the things the stay
at home partner does, I guarantee you your paycheck wouldn’t be big
enough. If this one rule were followed, a ton of resentment would
crumble in a puff of appreciation.
The Dating Game: Men, I guarantee you that your wife desperately needs
to be romanced. That does not mean sex. Sex is not a cure-all, and not
even a very good band-aid. Romancing means doing the things you did when
you dated. Give her a card, call her in the middle of the day to say I
love you, woo her, care, be interested. Women, the same goes for you.
Regardless of any machismo he may front, he needs to be complimented,
noticed, wanted. Do this religiously and sex will follow.
Face The Mirror: Are you happy with what you see? This is a very blunt
statement, but if you don’t pay attention to how you look, why should
anyone else, including your spouse? Women, having given birth is not an
license for "giving up". And before you start with the excuses about
time, kids, money -- I have THREE children. I do not have a maid or
nanny, I am not filthy rich. I do not belong to a health club. BUT, I
also know it is not impossible to stay in shape. It is not impossible to
care about what you look like. It is not impossible to Chew LESS and
Move MORE. Men, the same goes for you. There are way too many husbands
who think they are entitled to a wife who looks like a centerfold, but
they fail to notice the "folds" around their own "center". What was she
first attracted to? Your eyes? Your hair? Your physique? Your manners? I
guarantee it was not your beer belly or talent for belching the theme
song to Jeopardy! Bottom line? Yes, what is on your inside is terribly
important, but you were attracted to each other in the beginning by what
you saw. Make an effort for yourself and each other.
Touch Each Other: Somehow it is the tiny things like this that make a
measurable difference in how you feel toward each other. Time after
time, studies have shown that newborns who are touched and loved,
thrive. That doesn’t change when you stop wearing diapers and start
changing them. So, hold hands in the mall. Kiss each other in the
grocery store. Reach out and touch the other one just because. It helps
you stay connected, brings back the element of romance, and sets a great
example for your kids.
Banish The Children: Speaking of the little ones, this is perhaps the
most important change that you must make. Children as young as two and
three can be taught that Mommy/Daddy time is just as important as
Mommy/Daddy/Child time. This is not cruel, this is essential. They will
grow up respecting your needs and nurtured by the fact that their
parents are obviously in love.
The Wow Factor: Stop taking your partner for granted. Remind yourself
everyday that this person is unique, and that despite his underwear on
the doorknob or the mascara goop in the corner of her eye, you are
damned lucky to be with him/her. And maintain your personal "Wow"
factor. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is interesting,
involved and engaged in life.
Intimacy 101: Such a contradiction. You can make a baby, share in the
visual drama that is childbirth, but you cannot talk in the bedroom.
Men: Forget any men’s magazine stories you’ve ever read and any "movie"
you may have seen at a bachelor party. Females are far more complex than
that. Face it, you had to learn to walk, read, drive a car. You have to
learn about your partner too. Women: At no point in his life is a male
handed an instruction manual on how the female body "works." Therefore,
it is entirely possible that a man can die completely ignorant in that
respect. You have to communicate. To both: You want to share. You want
to make each other happy, and this is the one person you vowed to trust
more than anyone in the world. Ask and ye shall receive.
Say I Love You: Say it out loud, say it often, write it down, scribble
it in lipstick, smear it in shaving cream, stick a post-it on the
windshield, sneak a lovenote into a briefcase, send an email. A person
cannot be reminded too often that they are loved. And the same applies
to your children.
So, you’ve read everything to this point and you are now wondering if it
could be possible. Can you rediscover your marriage, fall back in love?
In a single word: YES. In many words: It won’t be easy, but the best
things in life never are. It will be scary, but the upside is worth the
risk. It will require commitment, but you made that promise the day you
got married - just dust it off. Give it your all, give it all a try, and
by your next anniversary dinner, those "newlyweds" just may be you.
Hmmmm, I wonder if we could register for gifts again?
Copyright 2000 by Linda M. Sharp. Reprinted with permission.
Linda Sharp is an internationally published humorist who writes
regularly on the joyous and frustrating world of parenting. Her work
appears across the Internet and wraps around the globe in parenting
publications from Canada to Malaysia.
Linda is co-creator of the award winning website,
Sanity Central —
A Time Out From Parenting! Located at
http://www.sanitycentral.com,
it is totally irreverent, hysterical and packed with enough laughs to
brighten even the weariest of parents! As a mother of three children
(four if you count her husband), she firmly believes that laughter IS
the best medicine. She may be reached via email at
lsharp03@aol.com.
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