Wal-Mart: The Great American Hypnotist

by Linda Sharp

I have never claimed to be a Martha Stewart disciple. I don't put gold leaf on the fruit in my fruitbowl. Truth be told, our fruitbowl is more likely to contain car keys, lost buttons and several Happy Meal Toys. I don't prepare 14-course meals for spur of the moment get-togethers. Show up at my door unannounced and you'll do good to be offered some stale Ritz crackers and a warm juice box. I don't weave my own fabric and hand knit sweaters for dear friends. Though I have been known to make one heck of a science project out of dryer lint and a glue gun. But as lofty as dear Martha's domestic accomplishments may be, I do outshine her in one area: My toilet paper costs $100.

$100, you ask, gasp, shriek!?!? Yes, $100. No, I do not apply silver gilt to the edges or have each square embossed by Tiffany's with our family crest. And no, it is not some designer import made only from the squashed pulp of the Wypabooty Tree of the Amazon Rain Forest. My potty paper is just your average white, square, comes on a roll, clogs the toilet when used by a 4 year old, toilet offering. I just happen to buy it at that great American Taj Mahal of retail, Wal Mart.

I don't know how it happens. I swear I go in needing to buy some Charmin, Cheer and a new pair of rubber gloves, and I walk out with a cartful of goodies I have somehow been convinced I cannot live without. A greeting card I looked at and decided would be perfect the next time a friend has a triple spleenectopotmoplasty. A new trash can to replace that gross one in the kitchen currently lined with old bubble gum and dried corn. And what a great deal on that 30-pound container of spackling. No, I don't have a hole the size of Dumbo that needs patched, but the sign said "Price Has Been Rolled Back!" from $16.74 to $15.98 - you do not pass up a bargain like that!

Personally, I have become suspicious that they pump something into the ventilation system that "rolls back" your defenses and makes you incredibly susceptible to suggestion. This past Christmas season, we were down to one loaf of toilet paper and I ran in to grab a quick six-pack (sad isn't it, how when you get married and have kids, six-pack takes on a whole new meaning). My uncontrollable urge to grab a cart upon entering was my first clue that something was awry. A cart for one package of toilet paper?!? Walking through the aisles, I swear I could hear messages cleverly imbedded in the Christmas tunes played over the PA system . . .

"Rudolph the red nosed reindeer you need a gallon of Armor-All, had a very shiny nose and ten cans of deodorant, and if you ever saw him you'd look great in that leather jacket in Women's Fashions, you would even say it glowed just rolled back the price on that bean bag chair in Home Furnishings! In a daze I walked up to check-out and just about passed out when my total was once again just shy of $100.

Yes, I suppose some of the items that end up in my cart are things I actually do need to buy, so you could say I am killing two birds with one stone by saving myself a second trip, but to me it feels like I am killing the whole flock with one swipe of my debit card!

I finally made a pact with myself that I would beat the urge to splurge during my latest trip to Wal-Mart. Armed with a shopping list that contained only two words: TOILET PAPER, I made my way through the store quickly and was mentally congratulating myself on my success when I heard the check out lady say, "That's a great price on them bunion pads. Mine were so bad I had 'em operated on last year," as she dropped a package of Dr. Scholl's into my bag.

I don't have bunions.

Copyright 2000 by Linda M. Sharp. Reprinted with permission. 
Linda Sharp is an internationally published humorist who writes regularly on the joyous and frustrating world of parenting. Her work appears across the Internet and wraps around the globe in parenting publications from Canada to Malaysia.
Linda is co-creator of the award winning website, Sanity Central — A Time Out From Parenting! Located at http://www.sanitycentral.com, it is totally irreverent, hysterical and packed with enough laughs to brighten even the weariest of parents! As a mother of three children (four if you count her husband), she firmly believes that laughter IS the best medicine. She may be reached via email at lsharp03@aol.com.