Mom, The Glamour Queen

by Linda M. Sharp

In a recent interview with a Malaysian parenting magazine, I was asked if I thought my life to be glamorous. Once I was able to catch my breath and change my Depends from laughing so hard, I considered their question. Internationally published, radio and television appearances, book being published, etc. Sounds glamorous, I suppose. Now while the interview was being conducted via the wonders of the Internet, and they could not see me, I could have lied. Of course, dahling. One moment whilst I adjust my tiara and refill my champagne glass. But as I looked down at myself, the fact that I was wearing yesterday's sweatsuit, an off center ponytail and hot chocolate stained tennis shoes just made me laugh even harder.

I'm a Mother. First and foremost, above and before everything else, I'm a Mom. Next in line, I'm a wife. Behind that would be taxi driver, followed closely by housekeeper, cook, dish washer, maid, accountant, seamstress, personal shopper, butt wiper and indentured servant. What minuscule time that is left over is allotted to being a writer. And perhaps that is why I write about what I do, parenting and marriage. Quite frankly, I have no time to write about anything that would require research on my part! 

But, back to the glamour issue. Yes, each morning as I rise, I am not greeted by a personal servant bearing tea and crumpets, but rather three empty lunch boxes needing filled, a husband frantic over important papers that the three year old chose to draw on last evening, and a pile of clothing I affectionately refer to as Mount Stank. I do not pull on designer duds by Escada or Versace. I tend to rewear anything that weathered the previous day with only a few stains and a child's encrusted booger or two. My apparel comes mainly from the glorious racks at "Zee Wal of Mart". Even on the occasions when I accompany my husband to his black tie work functions, my evening attire is generally from the clearance racks of "Jacque Penne" (Babies R Us, for those of you who do not speak French). 

My mode of transportation is far from enchanting either. I travel not in a limo, but strapped into a minivan, which will eternally smell of french fries. Oh, and don't forget the crayons that melted into the back seat when left in the hot Dallas sun one summer. The carpet is stained from the many soft drinks spilled upon it, but no matter, you can never see the floor anyway. Once a week I muck out the van, only to have my daughters retransplant stuffed animals, assorted Tupperware and a ream of notebook paper back into it within a day. Glamorous? Yeah, Zsa Zsa is just dripping with envy. 

Attempting to conduct my professional life can be really challenging. A couple weeks ago, I was on the phone with the editors of McCall's Magazine in New York. Yes, very exciting, and going very well. I felt grown-up, important, perhaps a tad glamorous . . . and then my youngest began screaming in the background, "I NEED HELP WIPING! I NEED HELP WIPING!" As I put the phone down momentarily to assist her, I could hear the laughter resonate from the handset. (As God is my witness, the next important phone call I have will be conducted while hiding in the crawl space under my house.) And if you are still not convinced of how uncaptivating my life is, how about this? Last week, in one of the more defining moments of my parental career, I got to don rubber gloves and collect stool samples from my daughter. And NO, I do not mean "stool" as in what you sit on at a bar. 

So, getting back to the interview, I stifled my laughter, honestly answered their questions about my life and waited to get the issue in the mail. As I ripped open the envelope and searched for the article, I smiled and read aloud, "Speaking to us from the deck of her luxurious yacht, international humorist Linda Sharp takes a break from her breakfast of caviar and toast points, dismisses her personal masseuse Raoul, and allows us a peek into her life of opulence and glamour..." Well, I didn't say I was totally honest . . . 

Copyright 2000 by Linda M. Sharp. Reprinted with permission. 
Linda Sharp is an internationally published humorist who writes regularly on the joyous and frustrating world of parenting. Her work appears across the Internet and wraps around the globe in parenting publications from Canada to Malaysia.
Linda is co-creator of the award winning website, Sanity Central — A Time Out From Parenting! Located at http://www.sanitycentral.com, it is totally irreverent, hysterical and packed with enough laughs to brighten even the weariest of parents! As a mother of three children (four if you count her husband), she firmly believes that laughter IS the best medicine. She may be reached via email at lsharp03@aol.com.