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Overcoming Our Feline Instincts
by Kimberly Hohman
I am a former "cat woman." You know the type - always ready with a
behind-the-back, snide remark or a nasty comment for a fellow female.
I'd join my girlfriends and roommates in trashing games, talking about
so-and-so's current hairstyle or such-and-such's need for a wardrobe in
a larger size. In fact, during my college days, it was rare
to come across a woman who wouldn't participate in a little female
bashing, so I counted myself among the majority at that point in my
life. Since then, I've learned the beauty and power of
celebrating our "spiritual sisterhood."
As women, we are bound by so many common experiences that it would seem
logical to draw support and encouragement from each other.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that fosters divisiveness and
contention among gender equals. Our self-esteem is constantly
under attack by a media that pumps us full of images of air-brushed,
perfectly-coifed, rail-thin women and then tells us that we are less
than good if our bodies don't equal theirs. It's natural to feel
the need to defend oneself against expectations of living up to the
impossible, but attempts to build one's own self-esteem at the expense
of others' aren't only in vain, they are mean.
Celebrating our "spiritual sisterhood" means looking beyond the messages
we are force-fed to the ties that bond us.
Have you ever been in a roomful of mothers who don't know one another?
My experience has been that if someone musters up the courage to break
the ice, soon the entire room is chatting about birth stories,
breastfeeding, stretch marks and potty woes. The trouble is, too often
I've been in that situation and never had the ice broken at all.
The reason for this might be shyness or the desire to "mind your own
business," but I've got a sneaking suspicion that it has more to do with
that little devil that sits on our shoulders saying either, "She
wouldn't want to talk to me anyway," or maybe worse, "Why would I want
to talk to her?"
The fact is we are more alike than we are different and our lives and
our experiences reflect those similarities, it's just a matter of
actively acknowledging our connections. As mothers, we spend
much of our time fulfilling the needs of others. Who knows that better
than other women and who better than other women to support us in
fulfilling our needs? Not only do we have a lot to offer the
world, we have a lot to offer each other.
Overcoming the forces which drive us apart may seem difficult, but
starting off with small changes in consciousness can lead to great
things. And the gifts we receive from our efforts certainly make
them worthwhile.
Find Your Muse
For me, it's been a series of women who have inspired me to rise above
my cattiness, love myself and consequently support and encourage other
women to do the same. Marianne Williamson, Oprah Winfrey and Anne
Lamott have each in their own way provided me with insights that have
always been just below the surface of my consciousness, but untappable
by my former, feline self. There is no shortage of inspirational
women, either. Iyanla Vanzant, Maya Angelou, Isabel Allende and
others all serve as spiritual guides in their own right. But
inspiration doesn't have to come from a celebrity or an author with
several books to their credit. One of my dearest friends, Amy, has
always unknowingly provided me with a source of spiritual enlightenment
with her absolute sincerity and generous heart. Her experiences
and her actions have taught me a great deal about courage and
unconditional love.
Discover your own inspiration in someone whose life you admire and whose
philosophy you respect and allow yourself to be led by their example.
Salute the Goddess in Yourself and Others
My mother gave me a copy of Marianne Williamson's A Woman's
Worth when I was a senior in college. In the book, Williamson
talks about our tendency as women to put one another down in an effort
to build ourselves up. This cattiness, that I was a victim of, is
usually the result of low self-esteem. It sounds trite, but only
when we love ourselves can we truly love others. Marianne
suggested that we silently greet other women with the phrase, "The God
in me salutes the God in you." I took her advice to heart,
consciously reminding myself to resist the urge to be malicious and
rather, to quietly pay tribute to the goddess in other women. Soon
the nasty thoughts ceased to enter my mind. I began to realize
that the same forces that were driving me to feel competitive were at
work on every other woman I met. And I found myself honoring their
spirit as kin to my own.
I later learned that the greeting, which has become a part of my life,
comes from a Hindu belief called Namaste' which roughly translated
means, "the great perfection within me honors the great perfection
within you." Namaste' is central in the practice of yoga, which
has also since become a part of my life. In yoga, Namaste' often
provides a starting place for preparation, an ending place for
reflection and a resting place for points in between. In our daily
lives, Namaste' can serve much the same purpose: as a spiritual greeting
to others, as a cue to reach beyond our negative selves to see the
perfection in others and as a prompt to reflect on the perfection in
ourselves.
Pray for Each Other
Prayer is another way of solidifying the bond among women. But, if
you aren't a 'religious person', the concept of prayer may seem strange
or foreign, and it may even scare you. But praying doesn't have to
involve a ritual or be terribly complex. It can happen at any
given moment and it can be as easy as offering your gratitude to your
higher power.
My friend, Paige, recently confided that when she talks to God it often
feels as though she's talking to herself. If her words ring true,
you're not alone. I've often wondered, when I pray, if I'm doing
it 'right'. But surely there must be no wrong way to pray.
And, in a sense, when we pray, we are talking to ourselves;
reminding ourselves that we aren't in it alone and that it's not only
okay to give some of the weight we carry up to a higher power, it's
necessary.
In a recent appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show, Isabel Allende talked
about a prayer circle that she and her friends began. Each day at
a certain time all of the women in the group stop what they are doing
and pray for one another. The idea of connecting ourselves through
prayer is amazingly simple and yet quite beautiful. It also helps
to reinforce the notion that no matter where we are presently, we are
not alone. Imagine starting a prayer circle and being still for a moment
of your day for the other women in your group. With a prayer as
simple as, "Thank you," we are bound in the solidarity of that moment,
in the commonality of our experiences and in the celebration of divine
sisterhood.
Copyright © 2000 by Kimberly Hohman.
Kimberly Hohman is a freelance writer and frequently harried mother of
two
sons. Her writing has appeared in various on- and off-line publications,
and she maintains the
Race Relations
site at About.com.
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