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Curtains, Pancakes and Broom Hockey: 12 Ways to Build Self Esteem in Kids
Few things are as rewarding as seeing your child glow from the inside
out. And it happens when children have a high self esteem: when they
know themselves to be unconditionally accepted, when they feel both
loved and lovable, and when they feel a sense of belonging and self
worth.
Here are twelve simple activities that have really made a difference in
our family. These are the rituals that I find especially important to
staying connected and to communicating my love and appreciation for each
child.
1. Rely on rituals to help you reconnect. We have such a ritual
following every school day. The kids think of it as "after school snack
time" but I know it to be much more than that. It is a time when they
tell me whatever they like about their day. Try to create this special
time as soon as possible after their day away at school. I find that if
I wait until later in the evening to ask them the same open ended
questions, I hear mostly "I do not remember" and "Everything was fine."
For us, immediacy is important, and so is the ability to sit and listen
without offering too much unsolicited advice. Family dinners are another
wonderful time to reconnect.
2. Create special time for just your immediate family. To do this, you
may need to set gentle boundaries for neighbors and friends. For
example, we have a neighborhood filled with very close relationships and
no fewer than 14 young children. When we first moved in, we had kids
knocking on our door from the crack of dawn till way past the sun set in
the evening. We found that our time alone as a family was diminishing by
the day as our younger children would run outside to play at the first
invitation, and the competition from such a fun outdoor world really
disrupted the closeness of certain special family times. It did not take
long before our family relationship was feeling the stress, so we chose
a symbol that is universally accepted and respected throughout the
neighborhood: when the curtains on our front windows are drawn, the
neighborhood children know that we are having time together as a family.
When the curtains open for the day, we welcome the neighborhood children
with open arms. I hope this gentle boundary sends a message to our kids,
too, that it is okay (essential, even) to take time out for yourself and
for nurturing the relationships with your closest loved ones.
3. Give each child tangible reminders of your love. You could write a
note to your child on each birthday, detailing events over the past year
that made you particularly proud and spotlighting traits that make him
or her special. Or keep a jar, box, or journal titled "Things I Love
About You" and add notes to it whenever they occur to you. Whenever your
child is feeling down, he or she can spend a few moments with these
treasures.
4. Develop a special song or phrase for each of your children. My second
child, for example, has always adored the song "You are my sunshine,"
but part of the song defines the relationship in terms of exclusivity.
("You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.") So we had to adapt it for
each of the other children. To do this, we substituted a special word
for each child and that has become their own special song. My son is
Moonshine and my older daughter is Starshine. (In case you are
wondering, Mom is Heartshine and Dad is SuperHeroshine. No kidding.)
Even as they get older, they love to hear their own special song and
they love to sing the songs to one another, too.
5. Use repetitive phrases to teach important life lessons. With my
oldest child, we are working to help her feel a sense of control over
her own emotions. Whenever something comes up, we say these words
repeatedly: "You can not choose what people do, but you can choose how
you react to it." I have heard her say it now, too, to her younger
siblings. Choose an important lesson that you want to pass on. Then
figure out an easy way to say it, and say it often. You might even want
to make it a little melody.
6. Carve out "one on one" time with each child. Try to come up with a
shared activity that honors what each of you enjoy. My daughter loves to
go on a date to Starbucks, just the two of us, for a shared Double
Chocolate Chip Frappucino. The other likes to go to the library where we
each choose special books. The other likes to ride his tricycle up and
down the neighborhood streets with me running alongside. This does not
have to take a lot of time and can involve an activity that you would be
doing anyway. You can even decide to allow one child to go to bed a bit
later each week so you have some time alone to chat, read together, or
play a game of cards.
7. Create a safe environment. It has been really important for us to
make the kids know it is safe to make mistakes. As someone who has
battled perfectionism in the past, I know that the unconditional
acceptance of a family is vital. When your home is a safe place for your
children to share their mistakes and perceived failures as well as their
triumphs, you foster a sense of safety and acceptance. You might want to
share times in your own life when you made a mistake (or even those
times when a perceived mistake was actually a blessing.) And try to pay
close attention to an overemphasis on criticizing or correcting your
child, as well as to an overemphasis of criticizing things that other
people do.
8. Engage your children in the tasks of the household. This fosters a
sense of belongingness and personal responsibility, a mutual respect and
a sense of teamwork. There are jobs that children of all ages can do.
Maybe it is setting the table or passing out the napkins. My three year
old son likes to help me sweep the floor, but I suspect he really just
likes to play broom hockey with the crumbs. At some point, they grow up
enough where their efforts to help are actually helpful. One child likes
to help me make dinner, another likes to help me clean up. We are still
working on my son. . .
9. Make simple occasions special. The kids love it when we turn off all
the lights at dinner and eat by candlelight. It makes them feel
treasured, and we talk about how just a simple change in the way we do
things can make all the difference.
10. Show your enthusiasm. I remember as a child, even if my mom or dad
was embroiled in a task, I knew that they were happy I was around. The
deep roots of self esteem that come from such a knowing have affected
everything I have done since. Even if you are busy, make sure your
enthusiasm shows when your child walks into the room. You do not have to
stop what you are doing. Just send them signals, verbal or nonverbal,
that you are happy they arrived.
11. Praise. So much has been said lately about the danger of
overpraising a child, and it is certainly important to be careful when
offering praise. You want the child to reward themselves internally for
a job well done, and not to be constantly looking for a carrot. I have
recently heard it said that the most positive kind of praise occurs when
you are praising their personal judgment, and I think that is very wise.
Lots of healthy praise is a beautiful thing.
12. Reflect often on the beauty (and the power) of parenting. Here is a
ritual from my household: Once my children have fallen asleep at night,
I watch them peacefully sleep for a few moments and think about how much
happiness they created that day for me. I try to quiet my mind, just for
a moment or two, and think about how very much I adore them. Meditating
on this inner knowing, however briefly, can make it easier to be
tolerant of those little things that all children do to drive us nuts.
It is also helpful to think often about how instrumental your love will
be to their happiness and their worldview both now and way off into the
future.
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