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Helping Children Succeed in School: Top Ten Mistakes Parents Make
by Karin Suesser
Article Summary: Helping children to be successful in school and to
enjoy life-long learning can be a difficult task for parents. Often,
with the best of intentions, parents end up making these common
mistakes. Learn how to avoid those mistakes and bring the love of
learning back into your child's life.
Like most parents, I try to do everything to get my children ready for
school each year: Register them, pay fees, buy school supplies and new
clothes, check out their new classroom, and talk with them about how
much fun the upcoming school year will be. It seems like we should be
all set - except for my usual worries about how good of a "homework
coach" I will be during the year, trying to help my children be
successful in school and enjoy life-long learning.
As parents, we often approach our children's school performance and
school success with anxiety and tension. We want our children to succeed
so they feel happy about their accomplishments and have better
opportunities in the future. But we also have the nagging feeling that
if our child doesn't do well in school, it will reflect poorly on us as
parents. We feel pressured to make sure they DO succeed. Often, with the
best of intentions, we end up using exactly the wrong strategies:
Nagging and Lecturing
Parents usually don't start nagging children about homework and study
habits until there is a problem (e.g., being sloppy with homework, or
not wanting to do homework at all). Nagging only makes the problem worse
because your child will either get angry at you or tune you out.
Instead, try to problem-solve together with your child. Ask them to come
up with several ideas on their own for how to improve this situation.
Brainstorm about how to make homework more fun. Try out at least one of
their ideas and discuss how it worked.
Taking Over
You don't trust your child to get things done right, so you tell them
what to do, when and how. This may work in the short run but doesn't
teach children to become independent learners who take responsibility
for their work. Instead of taking over, help your child figure out what
they need to do by asking questions: "What will you do? When will you do
it? How will I know? How do you want me to hold you accountable for
this?"
Focusing on the Future Benefits of School
As parents, we know how important a good education will be later in
life. Just don't expect your children to be motivated by this idea; they
are more focused on the here and now and give little thought to the
future. To motivate them, focus on the immediate benefits of learning
(having fun, developing new skills, and ability to play team sports in
school if grades are good.)
Leaving Homework for the End of the Day
If homework is scheduled too late in the evening, with only bedtime to
follow and no time to play, children won’t be motivated to be efficient,
and also won’t want to go to bed since they haven’t had any fun yet.
Increase your children’s motivation to complete homework by giving them
something to look forward to afterwards. Favorite TV shows, videogames,
talking on the phone, or having a special snack are all great rewards
after homework is completed, and may provide the extra incentive your
child needs to get through a boring and tedious task.
Insisting on Long Study Sessions
"You will sit here until all your homework is done" - this can feel
overwhelming to children and create resistance, resulting in conflict.
Instead, schedule 10-15 minutes of study time, followed by a 5-min.
break, then another 15 minutes of study. Repeat as often as necessary to
complete homework. Children actually get more done that way.
Grounding Children for Missed Assignments and Poor Grades
This is not effective for helping them do better in the future. Instead,
use problem solving ("What would help you do better next time?"), offer
support, and give them incentives for good performance (extra
privileges, special rewards).
Not Communicating With Teachers
This means two-way communication: Let the teacher know early on how they
can best support your child's learning (how does your child learn best?)
-then ask the teacher periodically, "What's the best thing I can do to
help my child with this subject at home?" Don’t wait until
parent-teacher conferences to find out how your child is doing, or what
kinds of problems need to be corrected.
Overfocusing on Grades and Test Scores
When children get the message that grades are all that counts, they
quickly lose interest in the process of discovery and learning, and
instead focus only on the outcome. If they can't achieve the expected
grade or score, they end up feeling bad which usually does not increase
their motivation to do better. Children also need to hear from us that
success comes in many forms. Some students will excel in sports, drama,
music, or art; some develop excellent leadership skills, good
citizenship, become peer mediators, or relate well to animals. Whatever
your child's strengths are, be sure you focus on those talents more than
you focus on their grades.
Sticking Only to the Curriculum
As long as children learn what's expected of them in school, that's good
enough, right? Chances are that this year's school curriculum doesn't
exactly match his or her own interests and curiosity (maybe they are
into whales and sharks, space travel, jungle life, airplanes, etc).
Encourage children's natural love for learning by asking, "If you could
learn about anything you wanted to, what would you like to learn?" -
then provide them with books, videos, trips to museums, and (most
importantly) adult conversations about those topics.
Not Modeling Life-Long Learning
Do your children see you interested and enthusiastic about learning,
studying, and achieving? Do you read books at home? Go to museums? Look
things up? Talk about new ideas? Remember that our children are always
watching what we are doing.
About the author:
Dr. Karin Suesser, PhD, is a licensed psychologist with Aurora
Behavioral Health in Oshkosh, Wisconsin (http://www.drsuesser.com).
She provides therapy and assessment for children (ages 1-18) and their
families, as well as for adults and couples. She specializes in helping
individuals find effective solutions to emotional, behavioral, or life
transition concerns. Her areas of expertise include anxiety issues,
ADHD, aggressive and disruptive behaviors, depression, trauma and abuse
issues, academic/career concerns, parenting issues, relationship and
sexual issues. She also provides professional coaching to individuals to
help them achieve their goals, enhance their performance, and live a
more deeply meaningful life.
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