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Before, During, and After:
How to Declare a Truce at the Holiday Dinner Table
By
Sharon M. Rivkin, M.A., M.F.T.
www.sharonrivkin.com
With the holidays fast approaching, our emotions seem to jump all over
the place. We’re excited, anxious, stressed, because there’s so much to
plan, and we want the holidays to be perfect. Yet, the thought of
the holiday dinner quickly reminds us of past events that have been
anything but loving and peaceful. Most families have some kind of
history of arguments that seem to erupt at the yearly holiday dinner
table.
Can you avoid these uncomfortable, often repetitive, and predictable
confrontations, when you are the one hosting the holiday dinner?
Is it possible to declare a truce to make the holidays more enjoyable?
Here are some tools to make that happen:
Preparation Before the Holidays
Most families naively think that this year will be different and that
the same old arguments will just magically disappear. Don’t be
fooled. Yes, a year has passed, but unless the offending parties
have worked on changing their patterns, nothing will be different.
Patterns will repeat again and again! Rather than kid yourselves
and “hope for the best,” be proactive by preparing for the inevitable.
It’s as simple as having a plan that is talked about ahead of time, so
that there’s actually a chance to change recurring dynamics!
1. Acknowledge that the problem exists and talk to those family members
who get into it most often at the dinner table. Is there any way for
them to discuss their issues ahead of time as an opportunity to
understand the other’s point of view? If not, can they make
a truce to avoid the “hot” topics at dinner? For example: “I
will not bring up politics, because I know it drives my mom crazy and
starts a fight.”
2. Appeal to each person’s love for the other, reminding them of their
good feelings for each other and how badly they each feel when they
fight at the holidays.
During the Dinner Feast
Whether or not you had a chance to prepare ahead of time, or if your
efforts were in vain and the fight still happens, you can still be
prepared with the following steps to deflect the argument during the
holiday dinner:
1. Intervene lightly, yet effectively, “Hey, we’ve been here before,
let’s table this for now and talk later. We’ll all feel better if
we don’t continue down this road.”
2. Acknowledge that each of their points of view is valid and that their
feelings are legitimate – it’s simply that the timing is wrong.
3. Don’t take sides, just suggest to them to make a truce at that
moment. Remember, if you get involved in the fight, it will only
make it worse. Your job is to help the arguers save face and give
them a chance to recompose themselves, as quickly as possible.
4. Change the subject. “Hey, let’s focus on how great Grandma’s
pie is. I know we ALL agree on that!” Or call attention away
from the argument by acknowledging the new puppy or grandchild. This not
only helps the arguers, but also the other guests who are surely feeling
uncomfortable!
5. Use humor if possible. Have a joke ready that everyone can
appreciate.
The Aftermath
If the fight happened, it is important to talk about what happened later
when the timing is right. This will help you get ready for the
next event with some new tools.
1. Talk to the arguers together and/or separately to remind them that
you know they want to be happy at family events. The arguments are
just a misguided way for each of them to be heard, seen, and
appreciated. Help them each to take responsibility for their part of the
argument, rather than blaming and shaming the other.
2. Remind them that the argument cycle will repeat itself unless
everyone does something different to break the destructive cycle.
Discuss ideas.
You have an opportunity to make this holiday season different.
With preparation, knowledge, and the use of past experiences, start now
to create the holiday dinner you really want! It is possible to
change old habits; it just takes time, energy, and a commitment to do
this. Make this a holiday to remember for its happiness, and your
success for making it that way!
About
the Author:
“What’s the big deal? All I said was . . .” Sound familiar?
Argument/Affairs Expert and Therapist Sharon Rivkin helps couples fix
their relationships by understanding why they fight. Sharon says, “If
you don’t get rid of the ghosts that haunt your arguments, you’ll never
stop fighting!” Read her new book,
Breaking the Argument Cycle: How to Stop Fighting Without Therapy,
to learn the tools of therapy to break the cycle of destructive fighting
visit
www.sharonrivkin.com.
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The Holidays Are Coming: Do You Know Where Your Soul Is?
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