Don't Say "Don't"
By Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE
When I was eight years old, my parents took a parenting class and went on to
teach parenting classes for over twenty years. I was old enough to remember what
my parents were like before and after that class. One might think I had a
perfect family, but my older brother experienced a traumatic childhood event
that left him with severe emotional, mental, and behavioral difficulties. My
parents' use of the parenting skills, in addition to the professional assistance
they received, resulted in a truly miraculous recovery. I was so impressed with
my parents' skills that I took my first parenting class from my mother at age
seventeen, long before I had any children. I have been teaching parenting
classes ever since in my profession as a licensed social worker.
For more than fifteen years I have taught hundreds of parents, from all walks of
life, who have told countless stories about how these skills have changed their
lives. I have also done extensive research to pool together the best techniques
available to parents (and weed out the abundance of bad advice) so parents can
learn to be the most effective parents possible with less confusion and more
confidence. Each month, I will share some of these tools as well as solutions to
common problems.
In all the years I have taught parenting classes, one skill has stood out as a
four-star skill for gaining cooperation from children and preventing problems
like power struggles and tantrums. I call it "Don't say Don't".
Have you ever told your child "Don't go in the street!" and they walk out in the
street? or "Don't fall!" and two seconds later they skin their knees? Why is it
that children seem to do what we tell them not to do?
If you look at it from their perspective, it becomes clear: When I say "Don't
spill the milk", what image do you picture in your mind? Most people picture the
milk spilling. Children are no different! An adult can take that image, figure
out how the milk might spill, the options available to prevent this and choose
the best alternative -- all in a split second!
The younger a child is, the more difficult it is for a child to turn a "don't"
around. Children will usually enact the picture created in their minds. So,
instead of telling your child what not to do, tell them what to do. Create the
picture in their minds.
Say, "Keep the milk in the glass!"; "Stay on the sidewalk (or
grass)."; "Watch where your feet are!".
While this sounds simple, it can be far from easy to change our habit of saying
"Don't". We are so used to noticing what children do wrong, we have a hard time
picturing what we want them to do right. Put your creativity and imagination to
work and practice this skill often. Remember . . . "Don't say Don't!"
About
the Author:
Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE is a second-generation parent educator and
president of Parent’s Toolshop® Consulting. She is the author of 100+ resources
for parents and family service professionals, including her award-winning
book, The Parent's Toolshop, at
www.ParentsToolshop.com. Since 1980, Jody has trained parents and
professionals through her dynamic presentations and served as internationally
recognized parenting expert to the media worldwide. Get practical parenting
resources, including more information about this topic at: http://www.parentstoolshop.com/tele/telearchive.htm
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