5 Ways to Develop More Patience with Children
by Lori
Radun
Which of the following situations send you over the edge?
- You ask your child to do something three times and he is still not listening.
- Your four year old is having a complete melt down over something you see as insignificant.
- You've had a long day and your teenager won't stop arguing with you.
As moms, we all have a patience meter. The gauge goes up and down
depending on our mood, our personality, and our triggers. If there is
one thing that moms wish they had more of, its patience (and time, of
course). Just like there are time management skills you can learn, there
are also patience management skills.
Examine Your Expectations
I know I am stating the obvious, but children are not adults. They don't
think like adults, act like adults or even have the same brain
development as adults. As a matter of fact, their brains are not fully
developed until about the age of 23. The last part of the brain to
develop is the part that is involved in rational decision making.
So it makes sense that the expectations we have of our children needs to
be age appropriate and situation appropriate. To expect a child to
always remember his homework or other items that belong to him is
unrealistic. Many adults have a problem with forgetting things. If you
know a two year old and a teenager's main focus is asserting their
independence, then it can be helpful to put tantrums and strong wills
into perspective. Sometimes we lose our patience because we are
expecting our children to behave in a way they are simply not capable
of. Take time to examine the situation and try to put yourself in your
child's shoes. How might she be feeling? What is important to your child
in the moment? How might her perspective be different than yours?
Don't Take Things Personally
Kids are like us; imperfect. And they are going to do things that are
seemingly directed right at us. Your child might stare you down and
defiantly say "NO". He might not listen to your words of wisdom because
he would rather do things his own way. Your daughter might even get
pregnant, even though she knows how much it will hurt you. Some of a
child's misbehavior may be intentional and some may be unintentional,
but none of it is personal.
As soon as we become personally attached to our children's behavior, we
begin using their behavior as a measurement of our adequacy as a mom. If
they behave nicely, we are a great mom. If our children misbehave, we
have somehow failed. These feelings of failure evoke an emotional
reaction in us that can cause us to lose our patience. Instead of being
emotionally involved in child misbehavior, practice being a curious
observer. It's a great opportunity to learn more about your child as
well as yourself. Your child may need to learn some new skills and you
may need to look at changing some of your own behaviors. We are all
creatures of habit and we're all learning how to master life. Taking
child misbehavior personally will not serve you in finding a solution to
the problem.
Adjust Your Parenting Style
I don't believe there is a one size fits all style of parenting. Every
child and every situation is different and learning to be flexible and
open to what is working and what is not can make a world of difference
in managing our patience. For instance, if you have a strong willed
child, an authoritarian style of parenting is probably not going to be
very effective. Being overly strict and controlling with a strong willed
child will create more power struggles than your patience will be able
to handle. That style of parenting, however, may work with a passive
child.
Just like every child has a different personality, each situation needs
to be treated independently. If you are in the middle of a situation
that is escalating, examine your approach. Is what you are doing right
now helping or hindering the situation? Be willing to adjust your
approach to help the situation diffuse. There are always alternative
solutions to losing our patience.
Develop a Consistent Discipline Strategy
Most of the time when we lose our patience, it's because we have waited
too long to discipline our children. If we think about the child
behaviors that grate on our nerves, we usually think of behaviors such
as whining, tantrums, arguing, not listening, and disrespectful talking.
All of these and more are behaviors that need a consistent discipline
strategy.
If you know your child has an issue with arguing, after examining your
own tendency to argue, put a plan in place to handle this issue every
time it comes up. For instance, if your child begins arguing with you,
you patiently remind her that arguing is not allowed and if she
continues she will be sent to her room. If she continues, send her to
her room. If you do this consistently, she will eventually learn what
the boundaries are. By being proactive and addressing the misbehavior
immediately, you save yourself from the regret you feel when you lose
your patience.
Take a Mommy Timeout
Even moms can use a timeout. There are two ways to take advantage of
this strategy. First, take a timeout in the middle of an emotionally
charged situation. It is okay to walk away if you are beginning to lose
your patience. You might think your child is winning the battle if you
walk away, but the opposite is true. Your child wins the battle when you
lose control of your emotions. Some battles are not worth fighting and
some battles need a timeout. You can always go back when you are
composed.
The second way to use timeout is to take regular time for you to engage
in self-care. More often than not, moms lose their patience when they
are tired and worn down. Know your limits and when it's time to take a
mommy timeout. Go for a walk, have lunch with an inspiring friend, spend
time in prayer/meditation or laugh yourself silly in a funny movie. Do
whatever refuels and refreshes you. You will then return to motherhood
with a whole new outlook and a healthy reserve of patience.
Patience is not something we are born with. It's a skill that is
developed with time and practice. With the right approach and the right
attitude, we can all learn patience. What is the hidden gift of learning
to be more patient? Our children model our behavior.
About the Author:
Lori Radun, CEC is a certified life coach and professional speaker for
moms. To receive her 2 FREE reports "5 Tips for Maximizing Your Time"
and "155 Things Moms Can Do to Raise Great Children", visit her website
at http://www.momnificent.com
