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Parenting Toddlers
Connecting with Your Kids: Loving Your Terrible, Terrific Toddler
by
Laura Markham
www.yourparentingsolutions.com
Toddlerhood can be a maddening time for parents. But you’ll be glad to
know you can reduce your child’s rebellion by giving him freedom to do
his developmental work.
How much is he allowed to explore? To set his own pace? To feel in
control of his world? To discover that he’s a competent person? Can you
appreciate his bids for independence without taking them as personal
insults? Can you give up some control so he can develop some sense of
mastery over his world?
Your baby is growing into her own person. Your challenge is to keep your
sanity and keep her safe. Your best strategy is to cultivate a great
relationship with her and enjoy her emerging independence. How?
1. Cultivate empathy for your child. Kids begin to develop empathy (and
therefore, the ability to play well with others) as they themselves feel
understood. And it’ll make you a better parent.
2. Don't force her to share. Instead, encourage taking turns. Let her
put her favorite toys away before another child visits.
3. Allow time in your schedule for your toddler's need to explore the
world. Rushing toddlers is one of the common triggers of avoidable
tantrums.
4. Use age-appropriate discipline: distraction, reasonable limits,
redirection. Don’t unwittingly teach your toddler that might makes right
by spanking her. And if you yell at her, you're teaching her by example
that tantrums are ok.
5. Let your child be in charge of toilet training. They all get out of
diapers sooner or later. Fights with your child about his body are
fights you will never win. If your child shows zero interest in toilet
training, find opportunities for him to be around other kids who are
using the toilet, and he'll quickly want to emulate them.
6. Sidestep power struggles. You don't have to prove you're right. Your
child is trying to assert that he’s a real person, with some real power
in the world. That's totally appropriate. Let him say no whenever you
can do so without compromise to safety, health, or other peoples'
rights.
7. Feeding is the toddler’s job. You provide the healthy food. She feeds
it to herself. Don’t obsess about how much she eats; kids don't starve
themselves. Many toddlers are too busy during the day to eat enough and
ask for food at bedtime. Build a bedtime snack into the routine to help
him sleep better.
8. Forget about stimulating your child's brain by teaching her the
alphabet. The intellectual work of toddlers is about talking and being
listened to, observing the world, being accepted and validated.
Emotional self-management lays the foundation for intellectual
development. It's never too early to develop a love of books, if you
want your child to love reading, then read to her and tell her stories.
9. Pre-empt whining. Whining is an expression of powerlessness. It can
become a habit. Try to avoid making whining necessary, and if it does
happen, try to avoid rewarding it.
10. Use routines. Kids develop self discipline partly by living in a
safe, predictable structured routine where they know what to expect.
When you disrupt routines with Grandma’s visit or simply exceptions for
your own convenience, you can expect tantrums, difficulty falling
asleep, and other challenges. Grandma, of course, is worth it, but
choosing disruptions wisely is part of protective parenting.
11. Help your toddler feel more powerful by listening to her, letting
her make decisions whenever possible, and giving her the opportunity to
experience competence by helping you with simple household tasks.
12. Minimize or eliminate visual electronic media. Sesame Street creates
a watcher, not a doer, shortens attention spans, and starts an addiction
in kids who are prone to it. When they’re a little older, they’ll flip
on the TV instead of reading a book. Not to mention that you’ll have
stopped being able to monitor what they watch by the time they’re eight.
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under the
age of two not watch TV or videos at all because it impacts brain
development. The AAP recommends that children over two watch AT MOST an
hour daily of nonviolent, educational TV.
13. Pre-empt tantrums. Since most tantrums happen when kids are hungry
or tired, think ahead. Preemptive feeding and napping, firm bedtimes,
cozy time with you, peaceful quiet time without media stimulation --
whatever it takes to stay grounded -- prevent most tantrums. Learn to
just say no -- to yourself! Don't squeeze in that last errand with a
hungry or tired kid.
14. Try to handle tantrums so they don’t escalate. If your kid does
launch into a tantrum despite your best preventive efforts, stay calm.
He needs to know you're there and still love him, even if he won't let
you touch him. Don’t try to reason with him. Think about what you feel
like when you’re swept with exhaustion, rage and hopelessness. He needs
to know that you’re in control, and as soon as he's ready, you'll help
him recollect himself. Afterwards, take some reassuring “cozy time”
together, but don't give in to the original demand that prompted the
tantrum.
About the author:
Dr. Laura Markham is the founder of
www.YourParentingSolutions.com, featuring a popular advice column
and parent-tested solutions you can use every day to connect with your
kids and create a richer family life. Dr. Markham specializes in helping
families nurture the parent-child relationships that protect today's
kids.
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