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Improve your Listening Skills
Listening makes our loved ones feel worthy, appreciated, interesting,
and respected. Ordinary conversations emerge on a deeper level, as do
our relationships. When we listen, we foster the skill in others by
acting as a model for positive and effective communication.
In our love relationships, greater communication brings greater
intimacy. Listening to our kids helps build their self-esteem and the
parent-child bond. In the business world, listening saves time and money
by preventing misunderstandings. And we always learn more when we listen
than when we talk.
Effective listening skills fuel our social, emotional and professional
success, and studies prove that listening is a skill we can learn.
The Technique
Active listening is really an extension of the Golden Rule. To know how
to listen to someone else, think about how you would want to be listened
to.
While the ideas are largely intuitive, it might take some practice to
develop (or re-develop) the skills. Here’s what good listeners know –
and you should, too:
Face the speaker. Sit up straight or lean forward slightly to show your
attentiveness through body language.
Maintain eye contact, to the degree that you all remain comfortable.
Minimize external distractions. Turn off the TV. Put down your book or
magazine, and ask the speaker and other listeners to do the same.
Respond appropriately to show that you understand. Murmur (“uh-huh” and
“um-hmm”) and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Say words such as “Really,”
“Interesting,” as well as more direct prompts: “What did you do then?”
and “What did she say?”
Focus solely on what the speaker is saying. Try not to think about what
you are going to say next. The conversation will follow a logical flow
after the speaker makes
her point.
Minimize internal distractions. If your own thoughts keep horning in,
simply let them go and continuously re-focus your attention on the
speaker, much as you would during meditation.
Keep an open mind. Wait until the speaker is finished before deciding
that you disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what the speaker is
thinking.
Avoid letting the speaker know how you handled a similar situation.
Unless she specifically asks for advice, assume she just needs to talk
it out.
Even if the speaker is launching a complaint against you, wait until she
finishes to defend yourself. The speaker will feel as though her point
had been made. She won’t feel the need to repeat it, and you’ll know the
whole argument before you respond. Research shows that, on average, we
can hear four times faster than we can talk, so we have the ability to
sort ideas as they come in…and be ready for more.
Engage yourself. Ask questions for clarification, but, once again, wait
until the speaker has finished. That way, you won’t interrupt her train
of thought. After you ask questions, paraphrase her point to make sure
you didn’t misunderstand. Start with: “So you’re saying…”
As you work on developing your listening skills, you may feel a bit
panicky when there is a natural pause in the conversation. What should
you say next? Learn to settle into the silence and use it to better
understand all points of view.
Ironically, as your listening skills improve, so will your aptitude for
conversation. A friend of my husband’s once complimented me on my
conversational skills. I hadn’t said more than four words, but I had
listened to him for 25 minutes.
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