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Creating a Balanced Inner World for Our Children
By Sally Sacks
www.sallysacks.com
Article Summary: Help your child to love and accept all parts of
themselves, so that they may achieve, wholeness, love and a lifelong
connection to themselves and the world.
We
are all made up of many parts. For example, if we are fifty, we
still have a part of us that is twelve. It may show up when we are at a
carnival with our kids, or visiting a place where we lived at that age.
We may be 60 and go to our high school reunion, and instantly, we are
thrown back to being 16, and a junior in high school. We can experience
the same emotions, feelings, and thoughts that we did back then. We may
see a person that we adored, and cherish that memory. We create parts of
ourselves that warn us and protect us.
I remember when I first saw the movie Jaws. After watching that movie, I
created a part that protected me in the water. That part also protected
me by making me terrified of the ocean and what lurked beneath.
That part was really trying to protect me, but did cause problems when I
really wanted to dive into the beautiful water. I was too embarrassed to
tell anyone that I knew I would be lunch if I went in.
We as parents play a huge role in parts creation. People may have a part
that may hinder them from living. The part thinks it is helping them,
but they cannot see how it helps at all. The part controls them with
anxiety, fear, and depression. Often that part was created by parental
messages. The person incorporates those messages into their being, and
acts according to that message their whole life, without even knowing
what they are doing.
For example, Wendy really wants to lose weight. She has been on every
diet, and nothing works. She hates being overweight, yet eats far beyond
her limit, eating foods that are not healthy for her. She is stuck. Upon
investigation and therapeutic techniques, she remembers her dad
restricting food when she was young. He was controlling and sexist, and
believed that girls getting fat were a fate worse than death, so
restricted and controlled her and her sister’s food. He controlled most
aspects of their lives, in fact.
Therefore, her unconscious starts overeating at about 18, and continues
on defying her father. She could not speak up to him, because he was big
and powerful, and it was too threatening. She finds a way to stay in the
family system. Every time she eats she says, “I deserve this, and no one
is going to tell me I can’t have this!” She is speaking up to her father
in a safe way. We can see why diets do not work!
Think of the power you have as a parent over your children. If you
criticize them, you will create a part that will incorporate you into
their internal system to maintain order. They will also create a part
inside of them that will rebel against that criticism. Maybe they will
be critical of others, or not take any constructive feedback, seeing it
as criticism. That critical voice, the look, the tone, will stay with
them, until they show up for counseling years later. If you instill
fear, or act fearful, when it is not necessary, you will create that
part in them, guaranteed. They may be smart as a whip, but incapable of
getting anywhere due to fear.
As parents, we want our children to grow up with an internal family of
parts that do not control and hinder their lives for too many years. We
want all parts of them to be harmonious, to feel joy, love, and peace
within the self. Once all parts are happy and content, there is no need
to act out, or control. The parts can do their job without creating
loads of distress.
How can we as parents help or children to become balanced, healthy
adults? Here are seven strategies to help you in your journey.
1. Remember that you are their mirror. If you have parts in you, that
keep you from making decisions, keeps you down, criticizes others,
controls too much; your child will incorporate those parts into them.
2. Show them love for all their parts, even when it is difficult. For
example, when they are angry, usually that part feels hurt. Do not yell
back at it. Treat it gently.
3. When a part of them feels angry or non-communicative, have them draw
what that part looks like or feels like to them. Help them to
understand it, to hear it.
4. Teach them to love all parts of themselves. The ones that they do not
like probably have the most to teach them.
5. When one part of us feels, jealous, angry, resentful, hateful,
scared, there is a reason. If we do not understand how to listen to
ourselves, we miss the message of the part and it acts out more.
6. Help children to integrate the different parts of them. Sometimes
feelings are uncomfortable so the angry side for example breaks off, and
is triggered constantly by others. Help them to value that part, but let
it know that it does not have to stay angry. It can join the other parts
of the self, and be ok. If that part of your child cannot get rid of the
anger, help them communicate with that part of themselves, and ask what
is up with the anger.
7. Teaching children to know their different parts helps them to find
answers to problems and questions within themselves. What a valuable
resource to offer them. It is essential.
Help your child to love and accept all parts of themselves, so that they
may achieve, wholeness, love and a lifelong connection to themselves and
the world.
About
the Author:
Sally Sacks, M.Ed is a speaker, licensed psychotherapist and a certified
neurolingiustic programmer. Sally is the author of
How to Raise the Next President, a groundbreaking parents' guide to
teaching and instilling in their kids the qualities they'll need to be
happy, successful and productive, no matter which path they choose in
life. Sally offers personal and group coaching and can be reached
through her website at
www.sallysacks.com.
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