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"Who Cares?": Questioning Your Assumptions about Friendships
In the Simple Living column, we are taking a hard look at the
assumptions we have made about things that govern our lives. We are
questioning these assumptions, one by one, to make life-changing
decisions that will suit each of us individually. We are simplifying our
lives by clarifying our assumptions about the world and what we need and
want in it. To read the introduction to this series,
click here.
My husband and I had been meaning to redecorate our fixer-upper house
for months (okay, years) and we just hadn't gotten around to it. Our
home was packed with dinner guests, and I was standing in our galley
kitchen with a friend, who is one of those kind souls who genuinely
seems to judge no one, particularly by their home décor.
It struck me that I never noticed, myself, the color of my carpet or the
huge crack in my front window, until I had people over…people whom I
could tell were feeling critical, and I told her so.
She shrugged. "I suggest," she said, "that you stop inviting over people
who care."
How simple!
And what a revelation…I can question the kind of people I allow into my
life. I can strive to create closer relationships with people who leave
me feeling better about myself. I can hang around with people whom I
find fun to be around.
I can question the need in my life for friendships that revolve around
complaints, criticism, and gossip. I can steer those friendships in more
positive directions.
But what about personal connectedness?
Making these kinds of choices doesn't mean we have to dump our friends
in the driveways of our lives. Our connection with other people is what
creates our lives. It's what matters.
But we owe it to our friends to weed out that which clouds our purpose,
our peace. Our purpose is not to put down other people. It's not to
prove ourselves better than anyone else. We must question the assumption
that these things are harmless and okay. Because they are not.
We must question the assumption that relationships inherently involve
this kind of negativity, and then we must make a conscious decision to
subtract it.
Yes, you might find that some of your friendships can't be salvaged. You
may find that you're better off leaving some friendships altogether. But
it's more likely that another choice will be presented. If a
friendship--or a conversation--takes a turn for the negative, you can
change you subject; you can be the person who defends the defamed; you
can leave the room.
At the very least, you can start a dialog on the negativities that you
are working to subtract from your own life.
Once you begin to question your assumptions about your friendships and
you naturally steer toward more healthy and happy relationships, you'll
find that you attract emotionally healthy and happy people to you.
You'll start to perceive love not as an emotion, but as a way of life.
And that is a simple--and life-changing--perception indeed.
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