"Who Cares?": Questioning Your Assumptions about Friendships

In the Simple Living column, we are taking a hard look at the assumptions we have made about things that govern our lives. We are questioning these assumptions, one by one, to make life-changing decisions that will suit each of us individually. We are simplifying our lives by clarifying our assumptions about the world and what we need and want in it. To read the introduction to this series, click here.

My husband and I had been meaning to redecorate our fixer-upper house for months (okay, years) and we just hadn't gotten around to it. Our home was packed with dinner guests, and I was standing in our galley kitchen with a friend, who is one of those kind souls who genuinely seems to judge no one, particularly by their home décor.

It struck me that I never noticed, myself, the color of my carpet or the huge crack in my front window, until I had people over…people whom I could tell were feeling critical, and I told her so.

She shrugged. "I suggest," she said, "that you stop inviting over people who care."

How simple!

And what a revelation…I can question the kind of people I allow into my life. I can strive to create closer relationships with people who leave me feeling better about myself. I can hang around with people whom I find fun to be around.

I can question the need in my life for friendships that revolve around complaints, criticism, and gossip. I can steer those friendships in more positive directions. 
But what about personal connectedness?

Making these kinds of choices doesn't mean we have to dump our friends in the driveways of our lives. Our connection with other people is what creates our lives. It's what matters.

But we owe it to our friends to weed out that which clouds our purpose, our peace. Our purpose is not to put down other people. It's not to prove ourselves better than anyone else. We must question the assumption that these things are harmless and okay. Because they are not.

We must question the assumption that relationships inherently involve this kind of negativity, and then we must make a conscious decision to subtract it.

Yes, you might find that some of your friendships can't be salvaged. You may find that you're better off leaving some friendships altogether. But it's more likely that another choice will be presented. If a friendship--or a conversation--takes a turn for the negative, you can change you subject; you can be the person who defends the defamed; you can leave the room.

At the very least, you can start a dialog on the negativities that you are working to subtract from your own life.

Once you begin to question your assumptions about your friendships and you naturally steer toward more healthy and happy relationships, you'll find that you attract emotionally healthy and happy people to you.

You'll start to perceive love not as an emotion, but as a way of life. And that is a simple--and life-changing--perception indeed.