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Causes of Sibling Rivalry: Ten Ways to Create Sibling Rivalry
by Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
The Wilson's two children don't like each other. The Archer girls publicly put
each other down. The Gonzalez boys pout if they aren't first, don't win, or
don't do better than the other. This condition is called sibling rivalry and in
each of these cases it was unconsciously created by the parents.
Do you want to make sure you don't inadvertently encourage sibling rivalry in
your family? Do you want to avoid the ways many parents promote tension among
their children? If so, read on and consider the top ten ways parents promote
sibling rivalry without even knowing it. Then, if you decide sibling rivalry in
not something you want to encourage in your family, do the opposite.
1. Compare your children to one another and let them know you are doing it.
Say
things like, "Your brother never acts that way," and "If your sister can do it,
why can't you?" Holding one child up as the model and using that model to
encourage better behavior on the part of the sibling is a sure way to create
resentment and divisiveness among your children.
2. Put one child in charge of the other. Having to watch a younger brother while
the parent runs out to the mail box or convenience store can create resentment.
Making the older child baby sit during the summer while you are working is
asking for sibling conflict. The older one will resent the fact that he has to
do the sitting and the younger one will resent that he has to be watched, in his
view, by a peer.
3. Allow humorous teasing or gentle and loving putdowns. There is no such thing
as a loving or gentle putdown. Teasing is not funny! Making fun of someone or
having a laugh at someone else's expense no matter how small still hurts.
Teasing is never appropriate in loving families. A joke is not a joke if it is
not a joke. When teasing occurs, someone ends up the recipient. That person
often finds themselves in a defensive position and feels as if he has to attack
back to create balance and save face.
4. Always give the younger child hand-me-downs. This ritual, if done often, can
create a feeling of being a second-hand person or less-than the other child who
gets the new things. When this occurs the younger one often strives to be first
or get more attention. Yes, the economics in some families make hand-me-downs a
necessity. In these cases make sure the younger child gets something new
occasionally and the older one gets some passed on clothing as well.
5. Reward tattling. When children tattle, follow up by punishing those that were
tattled on. This is a sure way to promote sibling rivalry. Refuse to listen to
both sides of the story to further increase sibling rivalry. Create an
atmosphere where the first person to get his story out is in the "right". If you
want sibling rivalry growing in your home, do not invest time teaching your
children when it is important to tell (health and safety issues) and when and
how they can handle the situation on their own.
6. Ask your kids to spy. Tell your son, "I want to know if your sister uses the
phone while I am gone." Inform your younger one, "If he splashes you again let
me know." Tell one child, "The computer is off limits while I am gone. Your
sister is going to be watching you to see if you follow the rules."
7. Buy and play many competitive games that require one winner and many losers.
Focus strongly on the importance of winning and downplay the process of playing,
learning, and having fun. This way your children who have lost can fight back in
other ways being the only ones who know a new game is being played. The new game
is called getting even.
8. Create even more competition in your family. Design artificial competition to
manipulate a desired behavior such as seeing who can get ready for bed first.
Use lots of competitive parent talk including, "The last one up the stairs is a
rotten egg," or "The first one with their coat on gets to pick where they want
to sit."
9. Attempt to be fair. Make sure everyone has the same amount
of orange drink in their cup or the same number of French fries on their plate.
Did you cut equal amounts of cake? Even when you do, children don't always see
it that way. An effort to be consistently fair will create an atmosphere where
the children are constantly checking to make sure they have the same or slightly
more than the other child.
10. Run your house like a democracy. Put every decision to a
vote. If two of the three kids always like to eat out at a pizza place and the
third one likes Mexican food, the one who likes Mexican food will get out voted
every time. Refuse to protect interests of a minority voting family member by
voting to resolve disputes at all times.
Put these ideas to work in your family today and it won't be long before sibling
rivalry will be firmly present in your home. Once you have it thriving, call up
your brother or sister and brag about how competitive your children are.
Challenge your own sibling to a contest. See who can create the best rivalry
among your children. You just might win, but don't be surprised if your sister
gets mad and pouts or attempts to get even.
About the authors:
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman are the authors of
The 10
Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of the world's foremost authorities on raising
responsible, caring, confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for
parents. To sign up for it or obtain more information about how they can help
you or your group meet your parenting needs, visit their website today:
www.personalpowerpress.com.
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