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Invasive In-Laws
by
Armin Brott
www.mrdad.com
Dear Mr. Dad: My fiancée and I recently had a baby. I'm thrilled
with everything, but I can't help but feel like I'm taking a backseat to
her parents. It's almost as if their opinions matter more than mine. Is
there anything I can do or say?
A: Much as you may not want to hear this, in the minds of your fiancée’s
parents, their opinion DOES matter more than yours. Their daughter just
gave birth to their grandchild, and they consider themselves to be the
best authority on all things related not only to their new grandchild,
but to their daughter as well. That’s a tough dynamic to change, but you
can do it.
The big kicker is that your fiancée has to be on board with you in order
to make that change. First of all, you and she will need to have
some serious discussions about what, exactly, your role is going to be
and what "involved father" means to each of you. It is not uncommon for
the man and woman to have very different expectations. Be very specific
with each other about who’ll be doing what. Who gets up for those three
AM feedings? Who’s responsible for the diapers—both changing and buying?
When will you introduce solid foods and what will that food be? Will you
use a playpen or not? Should your baby sleep in the same bed as you and
your fiancée? Are you going to teach your baby sign language? A lot of
couples avoid dealing with these issues because they’re afraid they’ll
lead to conflict. But dealing with them now will make life easier for
both of you in the long run.
Once you hammer out your roles, your fiancée will have to be the one to
break the news to her parents. They won't hear it from you. She'll need
to tell them, respectfully, that you and she have decided to raise your
child in such and such a way. While you both appreciate their opinions
and are very grateful that they're around to help out, you and she will
be parenting the way the two of you have agreed. Yes, her parents did a
wonderful job of raising their daughter, but times have changed. She
should be sure to tell them what wonderful grandparents they already
are, and how, as grandparents, they get to have all the fun of parenting
with a lot less of the dirty work.
With any luck, that talk will have the desired effect. If not, your
fiancée may have to take it up a notch or two by telling her parents
that if they can't go along with the parenting program as you've
outlined it and respect the two of you as parents, they simply won’t be
able to spend as much time with their grandchild as they'd like to.
Hopefully, it won’t come to that.
About
the Author:
Armin Brott’s bestselling
books,
including The Expectant Father and the recent release Fathering Your
School Age Child , have helped millions of men around the world become
the fathers they want to be—and their children need them to be. Armin
has been a guest on
hundreds
of radio and television shows, writes a nationally syndicated
column, “Ask Mr. Dad,” and hosts a weekly radio show. He and his family
live in Oakland, California. For more information visit
www.mrdad.com.
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