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Beyond Flowers
by
Thomas Haller and Chick Moorman
How do you plan on saying “I love you” this Valentine’s Day?
Many advertisers would have us believe that the best way to express love
is with a large box of chocolates, a pair of expensive diamond earrings,
or a beautiful bouquet of flowers. Others would recommend a candlelight
dinner and a quiet evening together. At the very least, some suggest the
perfect card with eloquent words written by a greeting card professional
to express your loving feelings.
But what if you were to look beyond flowers, chocolates, and candlelight
dinners this Valentine’s Day? What if the single best gift you could
give your spouse is one that enables your children to see more than a
commercial-style Valentine’s love? What if the gift you commit to this
Valentine’s Day helps your children realize that you truly love their
mother or father every day of the year?
Below are a few ideas to communicate, “I love you,” on February 14th and
on every day following. They are designed to touch the heart and the
soul of your partner as well as those of your children.
This year . . .
1. Be a listener more than a talker. Put down the
newspaper, turn off the television, put the cell phone on vibrate, and
focus on your spouse. Seek first to understand her wants, needs and
feelings about a particular situation or the past day’s events. There
will be another time for you to share your personal wants and feelings.
Be there for your spouse and let your children see that.
2. Share your appreciation for your spouse publicly.
Let your partner know that you appreciate him and all that he is doing
for the family. Do not do this with words that evaluate and rate
performance, such as “good,” “fantastic,” “wonderful.” Instead, be
specific about what you appreciate and describe the effect his effort
has had on you and your family life. Let your children overhear some of
this specific appreciation.
3. Refuse to speak negatively about your spouse (or ex-spouse)
in front of your children. Keep your feelings and comments to
yourself or share them privately with the person in question, regardless
of the circumstances. When you need to vent, do it with a friend, a
family member, or a therapist. Negative comments about your child’s
other parent are never to be uttered in their presence. This is
especially important in divorce situations. Remember, no matter how you
feel toward your ex-spouse, he or she is still your children’s parent.
It does not hurt the ex when you make negative comments in front of your
children. It hurts your children.
4. Demonstrate support for your spouse by encouraging her
aspirations and interests. Remember, you are parenting as a
team. Rearrange your schedule if needed so that your partner can enjoy
yoga, volleyball, or reading quietly. When only one person’s interests
are being met in a relationship, imbalance occurs and the entire family
feels the effects of the load being placed on the other parent. Create
balance by supporting your spouse’s interests so that your family can
run more smoothly.
5. Keep your commitments. Do what you said you would
do. When you say that you are going to pick the kids up at a specific
time, do it. If you say that you will watch the children while your
spouse takes a parenting break, then step up and handle the situations
that arise.
6. Establish a date night every couple of weeks and actually
spend time together as adults. Get a babysitter, pass the kids
to the grandparents, or take turns watching another couple’s children.
Make the time to nurture your relationship on a regular basis. The kids
will be comforted in knowing that Mom and Dad take care of themselves,
too.
7. Succeed at home first. Yes, your professional lives
are important. Yes, it is important that your careers flourish and that
you find meaningful work that is satisfying and rewarding. And what is
the value of being successful away from home if you are unsuccessful in
creating a loving, connected family? Make one of your Valentine gifts to
your family a commitment to place family first.
The traditional chocolates or flowers, accompanied by a meaningful card,
is one way to say, “I love you.” This year, let that be only the first
step in communicating love for your spouse and children. Why not take
the next step? Go beyond flowers and chocolates this year and use
Valentine’s Day to make a new commitment to those you love the most.
Say, “I love you,” every day by using the above suggestions to help your
children see real affection in action throughout the entire year.
About the authors:
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are the authors of
The Only Three
Discipline Strategies You Will Ever Need: Essential Tools for Busy
Parents and
The
10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose. They are two of
the world's foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring,
confident children. They publish a free monthly e-zine for parents. To
sign up for it or obtain more information about how their forthcoming
internet radio show can help you transform your parenting style, visit
their website today:
www.personalpowerpress.com.
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