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The Best Gift You Can Give Your Children
An article on developing self-esteem in children
Copyright © 2005 Stephanie Marston, MFT
http://www.stephaniemarston.com
Not long ago a friend of mine had a baby. As I stared into the window at
the rows of infants lying in their bassinettes, I was struck with how
similar they looked. Yes, some had dark hair, some curly hair, and some
had no hair at all. Some were larger or weighed a bit more than others,
but mostly they were all pretty much the same. What would they be like,
I asked myself, if they came back as adults for a reunion? What would we
find?
Both research and commonsense tells us that we'd find that some people
took life by its tail and made the most of it. Some would be successes
in business or art. Others would be exceptional parents, teachers,
lawyers, nurses, etc. Statistics also tell us that we'd find others
whose futures had taken quite a different turn. Some would have
addictions to drugs or alcohol. Others somehow would just be unable to
make their lives work.
I started to think about what caused these incredibly varied outcomes:
How could all these children who started out so equal have ended up so
differently? Oh, I suppose some of the discrepancy could be passed off
to genetics, but what about the rest? Did a fairy fly through the room
with magic dust and sprinkle some but not others? No, not unless reality
was created by Walt Disney.
In the last 25 years of my working with people in my therapy practice
and as a parent educator, I’ve discovered that the single most important
factor that determines whether children grow up to be happy and
successful is their self-esteem. A child’s self-esteem affects every
area of her existence—from the friends she chooses, to how well she does
in school, to what kind of job she pursues, to even the person she
chooses to marry. But what exactly is this illusive, intangible thing
called self- esteem?
Defined simply, self-esteem is the sense of being lovable and capable.
When these two qualities are in sync, a child has high self-esteem.
Children need first to know that they are loved and accepted for who
they are. Then, with this as a basis, their natural impulse is to take
that love and learn to contribute it to the world in constructive ways.
It’s not hard to see that self-esteem is the best gift you can give your
children.
As you work to give your child this marvelous gift, the most important
thing to understand is this: Self-esteem evolves in kids primarily
through the quality of our relationships with them. For the first
several years of their lives you are their major influence. Later on,
teachers and friends come into the picture. But especially at the
beginning, you’re it with a capital I.
We Are Mirrors for Our Kids
Because children see parents as authority figures, they think that the
way you treat them is the way they deserve to be treated: “What you say
about me is what I am,” is a literal truth to your child. Consequently,
when children are treated with respect, they conclude that they deserve
respect and, hence, develop self-respect. When children are treated with
acceptance, they develop self-acceptance; when they are cherished, they
conclude that they deserve to be loved and they develop self- esteem.
Conversely, if they are mistreated or abused, they conclude that they
deserve that, too.
Parents are, in effect, mirrors: What we reflect back to our kids
becomes the basis for their self-image, which in turn influences all
areas of their lives. To put it another way, who our children are is not
nearly as important as who they think they are.
Shower Your Children with Love
Conveying our love to our children is priority number one in building a
healthy sense of self-esteem in our children. It needs to come before
any other aspect of the parenting process, such as, setting limits or
correcting behavior. Your kids need to know, first and foremost that no
matter what they do, while you may not like or approve of their actions,
you continue to love them.
Children need tangible demonstrations of your love. They, like adults,
need to be told directly and often, “I love you.” I’ve never had anyone
come up to me at the end of a parenting seminar and say, “Could you
please tell my husband to stop telling me he loves me?” We can never
hear "I love you" too often. Our children don’t automatically feel loved
simply because they are part of a family.
Your unconditional love needs to be the basis of your relationship with
your children. Unconditional love is loving your kids for who they are,
not for what they do. Our kids shouldn’t have to earn our love,
acceptance, or respect. It is their birthright and should be given
freely.
Unconditional love requires loving your kids regardless of what you
expect them to be and, most difficult, no matter how they act. By this I
don’t mean that we like or accept inappropriate behavior, but with
unconditional love we love the child even at those times when we dislike
what he or she does.
I’m not going to pretend that this is easy. It isn’t. Unconditional love
isn’t something you will achieve every minute of every day. But, it is
the thought we must hold in our hearts every single day. The underlying
message of unconditional love is, “I love you no matter what you do. I
am committed to you 100 percent, and will be here for you through thick
or thin.” These kinds of messages are surefire builders of healthy
self-esteem.
About the Author:
Stephanie is an acclaimed speaker and author. She speaks from
experience. Stephanie is the “go to” expert for those who seek to create
quality driven lives. She is the author of Chicken Soup for the Soul’s
Life Lessons for Women: 7 Essential Ingredients for a Balanced Life, If
Not Now, When? Reclaiming Ourselves at Midlife and Life Coaching for
Parents: Six Weeks to Sanity. For more information please visit her
website:
http://www.stephaniemarston.com
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