Seven Ways to Improve Your Relationship
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Good relationships don't just happen. I've heard many of my clients state that,
"If I have to work at it, then it's not the right relationship." This is not a
true statement, any more than it's true that you don't have to work at good
physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction.
I've discovered, in the 35 years that I've been counseling couples, 7 choices
you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a
failing relationship into a successful one.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF
This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship.
This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and
needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel
happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own
thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness,
caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will
always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your
partner is treating you.
For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of
abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not
turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of
abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself.
When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop
blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one's partner for one's own
unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to
take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship.
KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE
Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly
spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly – with kindness, compassion,
understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need
to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both
people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often
treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is
consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on
what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame,
judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not
mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for
yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If
you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is
consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to
accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot
make your partner change – you can only change yourself.
LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING
When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the
conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover
the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose,
through some form of controlling behavior. We've all learning many overt and
subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger,
blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of
love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways
we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of
control is a vital part of improving your relationship.
For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in
relationships: the fear of abandonment – of losing the other - and the fear of
engulfment – of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people
immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling
behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to
control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow
emotionally and spiritually – by learning instead of controlling.
CREATE DATE TIMES
When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially
after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is
vitally important to set aside specific times to be together – to talk, play,
make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together.
GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS
Positive energy flows between two people when there is an "attitude of
gratitude." Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not
fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing
on what you don't have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner
peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but
physical health as well.
FUN AND PLAY
We all know that "work without play makes Jack a dull boy." Work without play
makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships flourish when people laugh
together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking
everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life. Intimacy
flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.
SERVICE
A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving
to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing
service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader,
more spiritual view of life.
If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the
improvement in your relationship!
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author
and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your
Aloneness", "Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?"
Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com
